I used to think I was being helpful. The one people could count on. The friend who doesn’t let others down. The colleague who stayed a little longer, just to “wrap things up.” Because the others would do the same thing for me, right?

Whenever that wasn’t the case, I caught myself getting upset with friends canceling plans and colleagues sticking to their working hours. Being the emotionally fit human being that I am (wink), I knew that my frustration was just a projection: others stayed true to their boundaries while I didn’t even allow myself to have mine. Basically, I was jealous.

I realized my constant “sure, no problem” was costing me something. Sleep. Space. Sanity. It wasn’t kindness anymore – it was fear. Fear of disappointing someone. Fear of seeming difficult. Fear of what might happen if I simply said no.

And that’s when I understood: boundaries aren’t about building walls. They’re about learning where you end and the world begins.

The Subtle Science Behind Boundaries

From a neuroscience point of view, boundaries aren’t just social concepts – they’re biological safety systems. When someone crosses a line (even emotionally), your body knows it before your brain does. Maybe you feel a tightening in your chest. Or your stomach drops. That’s your nervous system whispering: Something doesn’t feel right here.

Dr. Dan Siegel calls this the “window of tolerance”: The zone where your body feels safe enough to stay open and connected. The moment your system senses threat – real or emotional – it shifts into protection: fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. And for many of us, especially those raised to be accommodating, the “fawn” response becomes second nature.

Saying yes feels safer than saying no. So we trade authenticity for approval – without even realizing it.

Why It’s So Hard to Say No

Boundaries aren’t just about what we say; they’re about what we believe.

If deep down you believe your worth depends on being liked, your nervous system will treat saying no as danger. That’s why even simple boundaries (like “I can’t talk right now”) can trigger anxiety. Your brain flags rejection as a threat, and your body reacts accordingly.

When I learned this, I realized how afraid I was of being seen as a bad friend. A lazy colleague. An unlikeable person. But I also realized something else: the people I know who hold up their boundaries have all my respect. I don’t like them less. I don’t think they’re lazy or unlikeable. Maybe it was time for me to step up my boundary game, too.

Because having a hard time setting boundaries isn’t weakness – it’s wiring. The good news? Wiring can be rewired.

How to Reconnect With Your Boundaries

1. Feel it before you explain it.
When you notice a physical cue – tension, unease, exhaustion – pause. Before you analyze the situation, check in with your body. Ask: What feels off? Your body is often clearer than your thoughts.

2. Start with micro-boundaries.
You don’t need a dramatic confrontation. Begin with small steps: turning off notifications after work, saying “Let me think about it,” or asking for time before deciding. Each small act retrains your nervous system to see self-protection as safety, not danger.

3. Repair when you overstep (with yourself too!).
Sometimes you’ll say yes when you meant no – and that’s okay. What matters is noticing it without shame. Apologize to yourself, learn from it, and adjust next time.

The Kind of Boundaries That Heal

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re how we stay close without losing ourselves. When you hold a boundary with clarity and care, you’re telling your nervous system: “I’m safe. I can stay open.”

And that’s the paradox – the stronger your boundaries, the deeper your connections can become. Because real closeness only happens when both people can be fully themselves.

Key Takeaways

• Boundaries are biological, not just behavioral.
• Saying “no” can trigger a stress response – but practice rewires that pattern.
• Start small, stay consistent, and let your body lead.
• Healthy boundaries make room for real connection.

References

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

Levine, P. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.