When “Staying Strong” Stops Working

Being a founder in the first year means being everywhere – at events, in meetings, with clients, on social media – basically grabbing every straw of attention you can get.

It also means giving birth to this fragile idea you’ve been carrying in your head, trying to convince others to see what you see – to understand why it matters.

As fulfilling as that can be, it also means showing up. And showing up again. And again. Because it’s “on your own terms,” it feels like you don’t deserve to take breaks. You’re grateful for the freedom, so you tell yourself resilience means pushing through (deadlines, heartbreak, exhaustion).

Holding everything together with a calm face and a tight jaw.

And yes, you can teach something while failing at it miserably. I know because I did. When year one came to an end, I crashed – hard.

That’s when I learned: real resilience isn’t about “toughing up.” It’s not about becoming a rock-solid tree that can’t be shaken. Because sooner or later, there’s a storm heavy enough for even the strongest tree to break.

The Myth of Toughness

We grow up hearing “stay strong,” “don’t let it get to you,” “keep it together.” But the truth is that most of what we call strength is just endurance in disguise.

When stress becomes constant, your nervous system never gets the memo to stand down. Your body keeps releasing stress hormones – adrenaline and cortisol – preparing you to fight or flee, long after the actual threat is gone (or was just a perceived modern world threat to begin with).

Your heart rate rises. Your digestion slows. Your sleep gets patchy. Your emotions flatten. And still, you look completely “functional.”

We recently started mistaking emotional suppression for resilience. But holding it all in doesn’t make you strong. It just disconnects you from the very signals that tell you what you actually need.

Chronic stress rewires your brain’s fear network – especially the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex – keeping you in a loop of hypervigilance. Over time, this state becomes your “new normal.” You don’t even notice you’re running on fumes.

What Real Resilience Looks Like

Here’s the science-y part:

Your parasympathetic nervous system is your body’s built-in calm-down switch. It’s what helps you recover after stress, sending the message: you’re safe now, you can rest.

Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory calls this the social engagement system. When you feel safe, your breathing slows, your facial muscles soften, your voice becomes warmer – and you are able to connect again. That’s why being around calm people makes you calm too: your nervous systems basically sync.

As Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research shows, your brain constantly predicts how safe you are based on signals from your body – a process called interoception. When your body feels grounded, your brain interprets the world as less threatening.

In short: safety isn’t just a concept – it’s a physical state.

Bottom-Up: Body Before Brain

When you’re overwhelmed, it’s tempting to think your way out: make a plan, list the positives, change your mindset. But your nervous system doesn’t speak English – it speaks sensation. If your heart is racing or your breath is shallow, your brain gets one message: danger.

So no amount of rational thought will work until your body feels safe again.

Here’s what actually helps:

• Lengthen your exhale. It activates your body’s brake pedal via the vagus nerve.
• Ground your senses. Name five things you see. Feel your feet on the floor.
• Move. Shaking, stretching, or walking helps your system discharge stress energy.
• Reach out. Co-regulation – two calm nervous systems syncing up – is one of the fastest ways to settle.

Think of it like recalibrating your inner smoke alarm: teaching it that not every whiff of smoke means fire.

Redefining Strength

We’ve been told strength means never falling apart. But real strength is knowing how to come back together.

Sometimes that means taking a break instead of pushing harder.
Sometimes it’s saying, “I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”
Sometimes it’s simply accepting instead of explaining.

Resilience isn’t the absence of stress. It’s the ability to recover from it without losing yourself in the process.

Remember, you don’t need to be a sturdy oak tree. Be like bamboo: flexible, grounded, and able to bend with the wind without breaking.

So next time your body hits the brakes, don’t call it weakness.
Call it wisdom.

Your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do: keeping you safe, so you can rise again.

References

Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Lahousen, T., & Kapfhammer, H. P. (2018). Stress, fear networks and resilience: neurobiological perspectives. Springer.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Quadt, L., Garfinkel, S. N., & Critchley, H. D. (2018). Interoception and emotion: Shared mechanisms and clinical implications. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology.

Thayer, J. F., Åhs, F., Fredrikson, M., Sollers, J. J., & Wager, T. D. (2012). A meta-analysis of heart rate variability and neuroimaging studies: Implications for heart–brain connections. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews.